THE AGENCY - AN ASSISTANT ON A DESK - BEVERLY HILLS

The Agency - In Beverly HIlls, CA.
I applied to all the agencies in town. Took a few interviews and landed myself on an agents desk at a small boutique for television writers and directors. And the HELL begins.
“Jim Landale’s office.”
“Jim Landale’s office.”
“Jim Landale’s office.”
“Jim Landale’s office.”
“Jim Landale’s office.”
“Jim Landale’s office.”
“Jim Landale’s office.”
“Jim Landale’s office.”…..you wonder what an agent does all day???…….they play phone tag all over town. When you live and die on a phone call you got problems and let me tell you..AGENTS HAVE PROBLEMS. Their problem begins and ends with one word: boredom. An agent needs to work really hard during staffing season (Feb-May) to get their clients jobs and then, once their clients are staffed (hopefully) at that point they sit on their ass the rest of the year getting 10% of their clients hard work every time they stepped for in an office. It’s not a bad life if you don’t mind being bored or licking assholes to get your clients on a show. The partners of the agency I worked for basically rolled into work at 11 am, read the trades, then jetted out of dodge at 1pm. There is a difference between working in a small agency versus a large agency. It is much easier to work toward a millionaire lifestyle in a smaller agency because you spend less time watching your back. At a larger agency like ICM, CAA, William Morris etc…..you spend most of your time picking off other people’s clients, not only from other agencies, but internally as well. But don’t get me wrong. Bad behavior happens in all agencies whether you are the big cheese or not. Agents will suck dicks and lick tits regardless.
I lasted an entire year on that desk. I cried. I swallowed my pride. There was lots of blood, sweat and tears and similar psychological damages done like seen in movies like ‘Swimming with Sharks’. My boss was a first class idiot with several communication problems. Knowing I wanted to be a writer the day he hired me, he stated, “I will not read any of your material for at least one year.” That was a good way to keep me on the desk since after all his previous assistants only lasted a few weeks before quitting. I was ready to hold out for six months. Six months dragged by and I got the courage to ask him to read my material. I handed him my 0600 to take home for the weekend. I found it later the following week in his trashcan with a long dark coffee stain on the back. He never read it. He never even opened the cover but discarded it along with his coffee. The best part is watching a lying swine that you hear lie on the phone all day long try to lie to your face.
“Did you get a chance to read my script?”
“I’ve been really busy. Do you have another copy of it?
“Why?”
“I left it at home.”
I pulled it out of his trash and tossed it on his desk.
“What’s wrong with this copy?”
He cracked a smile like I was supposed to find his lying bullshit face funny. I snatched up the script and toss it back in the trash.
“Forget it.”
He picked it up as if he really cared. I grabbed it and took it away and he still pretended to care.
“Hey, I’ll read it just not now.”
“FORGET IT!”
Why the fuck would I let some asshole idiot read my work. I felt better knowing that idiots like my boss lose out on potential scripts all the time cause they are too fuckin lazy and the followers of the town. Not innovators, FOLLOWERS.
When your boss is an idiot and he knows that you are smarter than he’ll ever be, that’s never good; your job only gets more difficult. And I am not talking about dealing with the BS that comes along with head cases that are insecure about their intelligence and have an ego the size of Manhattan. I am talking about how much more work you potentially make for yourself. A typical email from my boss would read as follows:

Re: Sub

As discsdfsdf……enclsoesadfdfds

Stevenson CURB
Blurb
McKinney SEX
Blsursdfsd………

I look..sdfsdfsdf.

Yes, I can read hieroglyphics along with your room temperature mind. That bowl full of gibberish translates into the following cover letter prepared by me.

Dear Lisa,

As discussed, enclosed please find material from the following writers:

John Stevenson Spec, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
John was a story editor on BERNIE MAC. He is bright, funny and a very hard worker.

Debbie McKinney Spec, SEX AND THE CITY
Debbie was a staff writer on THE FAMILY GUY. Additionally, she recently sold a feature to Miramax called CLUBBER.

I look forward to your thoughts.

Best regards,

ASSHOLE

I learned the hard way how not to step on tiny balls couples with a shriveled dick. If you find outright wrong plain English AKA serious grammatical errors along with severe typos…don’t “suggest” or point out anything. Stay low and drive hard. The job is to make your boss look good. I was tired of making him look good. I was tired of picking up the phone in my usual deep voice and hearing his girlfriend scream “Don’t answer my baby’s phone in that sexy voice!!” No joke. I was tired of retrieving twenty messages in the morning like this: “Erica….ah…..put on the phone sheet that I want to call…..God I can’t remember.” CLICK. Next message: “I want to call……” CLICK Next message: “Now I remember, I want to call Jordan Kingston at the WB and……” CLICK. Next, message: I remember now, Jordan Levin at the WB (I got that already asshole) and who is the name of that girl I went to drinks with a few weeks ago…Jamie, Lisa or something…I don’t know. Try and track her down for me. I lost her number. CLICK Next message: “And, I forgot to tell you please clean up my desk. It’s gotten kinda messy these past few days.” CLICK. And that is considered a good message day. Need I say more?